How Important Is Sex in a Relationship?

The answer to this question is simultaneously frustratingly complicated and ridiculously simple. 

For some couples, sex is one of the main ways they give and receive love and feel connected. But for many other couples, the importance of sex may change throughout the relationship as hormones, emotions, health, and life shift too. 

There is no set number of times you “should” be having sex. What matters most is whether the sexual relationship you do have works for both people in it and whether you can talk about it honestly when it doesn’t.

I’m Emily Lambert Robins, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker specializing in couples and sex therapy with over ten years in private practice. With this blog, my goal is to help you determine how important sex is in your relationship and the steps you can take to improve it.

Is Sex Important in a Relationship?

Sure, sex can be an important part of a romantic relationship. But this is not the same as saying that every healthy relationship must have a certain amount of sex in order to thrive.

Let's consider what the experts say about it: The World Health Organization (WHO) takes a broad view of sexual health, describing it as impacting physical, emotional, mental, and social well-being. But it also makes the point that sexual health is safe, respectful, pleasurable, and free from coercion and discrimination.¹

This distinction is important because it teaches us that a healthy sexual relationship is not just one where two people have sex frequently. You could have sex several times a week and still feel disconnected or pressured. And, on the contrary, you might have sex infrequently and have a deep and loving relationship.

So, while sex can be very important in a relationship, the quality, meaning, and mutuality of the experience matter more than meeting a set quota.

Why Sex Is Important in a Relationship

Sex does not automatically create a strong relationship. But for couples who value sex, it can create:

• Pleasure
• Emotional closeness
• Playfulness
• Physical affection
• Stress relief
• A sense of being desired
• A way of reconnecting In fact, one study of long-term couples found that intimacy and sexual satisfaction influenced one another over time. In other words, a deep emotional connection may support satisfying sex, and satisfying sex may support an emotional connection.²

The reciprocal relationship between these two areas is one reason why I tend not to separate "relationship problems" and "sexual problems" too neatly in my approach to couples therapy and sex therapy services.

Now that we're a little clearer on why sex can matter, let's consider how much gender can make a difference to how important it is in a partnership.

How Important Is Sex in a Relationship to a Woman?

Let's take a moment to address one of our culture's oversimplifications: there is no single answer to how important sex is in a relationship to a woman.

Women are not one large focus group. Some women want sex frequently, while others may rarely want it. Some might experience spontaneous desire, but others may find that desire only tends to emerge after arousal begins.

What's more, a woman's relationship to sex may change throughout her life. Desire can be influenced by a number of things, including:

• Stress
• Sleep
• Pregnancy
• Postpartum
• Menopause
• Medication
• Physical health
• Body image
• Pain
• Perceived level of emotional connection
• Trauma
• Mental health
• Parenting demands
• Relationship satisfaction So when couples fall into believing the stereotype of "Women naturally want less sex," they may fail to take into account that maybe she is feeling exhausted, stressed, or resentful, or experiencing pain during sex. It might also be the case that she wants sex, but perhaps not the kind of sex the couple has been having.

How Important Is Sex in a Relationship to a Man?

The same rule applies here as it does with women. There is no universal answer as to how important sex is in a relationship to a man.

Men are allowed to have complicated or multilayered relationships with sexuality as well. Some men want sex frequently, and others do not. Desire can change because of stress, mental health, physical illness, trauma, or normal individual differences.

Yet men usually grow up receiving the message that men should always want sex.

Internalizing this message can create a lot of pressure and shame. A man who experiences lower desire may start wondering whether something is wrong with him. Or his partner may interpret it as rejection. And slowly, something that could have been discussed becomes loaded with meaning.

So when it comes to considering how important sex is to a man or woman, gender stereotypes are not the most useful starting point to look for answers.

But your actual partner is. Ask them what sex means to them, because the response might provide more information than a widely spread, yet greatly misinformed cliché.

What Happens When Sex Becomes a Problem in the Relationship?

Sometimes sex is not particularly important in a relationship until it stops working. Then it can feel like it takes over everything.

Say, for example, that Partner A wants sex more often, so they initiate. But Partner B says "no." Partner A feels rejected, but they try again a few days later, maybe with more urgency. Partner B begins to feel pressured and starts to avoid any level of physical touch out of concern that it will lead to initiation of sex. Partner A notices the withdrawal, and the feelings of rejection become amplified. They push harder for reassurance, and Partner B pulls further away.

Suddenly, there is an argument that is no longer simply about sex. It's about feelings of rejection, safety, connection, pressure, and worth.

This is often how sexual issues become relationship issues and vice versa. And it is something that I frequently help couples untangle in couples sex therapy.

Ways to Improve Your Sex Life

Wanting more sex does not make someone "needy" or "shallow." Similarly, wanting less sex does not make someone "cold" or "broken." And relationships don't really have a set sexual quota to be considered "healthy." In fact, it's less conflict and greater emotional intimacy that may be the determinant of a satisfying sex life.³

So, if you and your partner decide that you'd like to improve your sex life, the following steps could help increase your emotional and sexual intimacy:

Talk About Sex Outside the Bedroom

Instead of arguing over whose desire frequency is more reasonable, it actually helps to become curious. What does sex represent to the higher-desire partner? And what makes sex hard for the lower-desire partner?

Better sexual communication is positively linked to both sexual and overall relationship satisfaction.⁴ However, it may not be helpful to wait until you're both naked or someone feels rejected to talk about sex. Consider picking a neutral time to talk about it.

You might consider asking:

• "What have you been enjoying lately?"
• "Is there anything you want more or less of?"
• "What helps you feel turned on?"
• "What gets in the way?"
• "What makes you feel connected to me?"

Bring Back Novelty

Long-term relationships are great for safety and familiarity. But they can become less naturally equipped for novelty.

Novelty might simply mean having sex at a different time, trying something new, sharing fantasies, changing the environment, or taking turns planning intimacy. Talk to your partner about how you could spice things up in a way that feels comfortable for you both.

Be Flexible in Your Attitudes

Think about whether your sex life can adapt when life changes. Good sex might not look the same as it did five years ago, as our lives evolve, so too can our sexual preferences. This might mean being open about changes in desire, comfort, boundaries, and consent.

Address Physical Concerns

Pain, erectile dysfunction, hormonal changes, medication effects, and other physical issues can affect sex life and deserve appropriate medical evaluation. So it's important to consider if any of these issues have become a barrier to your sexual satisfaction together.

Sex therapy can complement medical care, but should not replace necessary assessment or treatment.

Work on the Relationship Outside of Sex

Emotional and sexual intimacy are connected for many couples. So, sometimes the best way to improve your sex life is to deal with the things that happen before anyone even gets to the bedroom. For example, talk about the things that are stressing you both, such as body image concerns, work stress, and lingering tension from conflict. Connecting with each other on a deeper level can, in turn, improve your sex life.

Consider Sex Therapy

You might benefit from working with a sex therapist if:

• You experience sexual anxiety
• You have difficulty with erection or orgasm
• Sex has become a source of conflict
• You want to explore kink or nonmonogamy
• You and your partner have different levels of desire
• Sex is painful
• You want to feel more connected to your own sexuality or to your partner A therapist can support you in approaching any of these issues without judgment and understanding, helping you and your partner reach a place of increased intimacy. My approach to Imago Relationship Therapy work helps couples move from blame and reactivity toward understanding and empathy.

Get Support From a Sex Therapist Today

As an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, my approach is collaborative, curious, and nonjudgmental. I provide virtual sex therapy for individuals, couples, and polycules throughout New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut.

If sex has become confusing, painful, less pleasurable, or stressful, you don't have to keep having the same uncomfortable conversation and hoping that something will change.

Together, we can understand what's getting in the way and work toward a sex life that feels more connected and pleasurable for both partners. Reach out to me for a free, no-obligation consultation in which we can talk about your concerns, goals for therapy, and whether I'm a good fit for your needs.

References

1. World Health Organization. (n.d.). Sexual health. https://www.who.int/health-topics/sexual-health

2. Beaulieu, N., Bergeron, S., Brassard, A., Byers, E. S., & Péloquin, K. (2023). Toward an integrative model of intimacy, sexual satisfaction, and relationship satisfaction: A prospective study in long-term couples. The Journal of Sex Research, 60(8), 1100-1112. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2022.2129557

3. Johnson, M. D., Li, W., Impett, E. A., Lavner, J. A., Neyer, F. J., & Muise, A. M. (2025). How are sexual frequency and relationship satisfaction intertwined? A latent profile analysis of male-female couples. Journal of Family Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0001331

4. Mallory, A. B., Stanton, A. M., & Handy, A. B. (2022). Dimensions of couples' sexual communication, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 36(3), 358-371. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34968095/